Not Abandoned

If you were ever going to abandon me you would have done then, the midnight hour in the Garden of Gethsemane where you agonized over what lie ahead. You saw the moment when the deplorable acts of your rebellious creation would be credited to You and You would feel the shame of unrighteousness before a Holy God. My sin was there lying heavy upon your back, but You thought of me and You pressed on.

If you were ever going to abandon me You would have done it then, when they beat you & put a crown of thorns upon Your head. They mocked you, laughing at the inconceivable thought that You could be the King of the Jews. How small and foolish their thinking was to limit the King of the Universe to an earthly reign. Just as they refused Your Lordship you knew I would too in the moments when I would seek my own glory instead of dying to self. Even in that moment when you saw my dissention, Your mercy extended and You endured.

If you were ever going to abandon me You would have done it then, when You hung upon the cross as the cruel and evil crowd taunted You to save yourself. Little did they know, You could have called a legion of angles to come and deliver you, but instead, you stayed the heavenly host and forbade them to interfere. The crowd could not understand that the greatest power of the Almighty God is Your power to love a destitute sinner like me. A sinner that would too often tremble with fear and agonize with worry forgetting that the Omnipotent One is for me and not against me. You saw me, and You stayed. 

I sent you to the cross and you willingly went. You endured it all knowing that I was not worth it. No, you did not leave me then so I know you will not leave me now. The proof that You will not abandon me is evident in the cross.

Lessons From the Crowd

This week in Bible study we have been looking at John 6. Jesus feeds the 5000, walks on water, and speaks some very hard yet glorious truth. The crowd was amazed and then disappointed when Jesus didn’t preform according to their plan. Here are a few truths I learned:

• I AM the crowd. I don’t like to admit it, but I am. It is very easy for me to look at the disciples or the crowd of 5000 and think, “Why can’t they just get it?” My prideful self forgets to recognize that they show the reality of the human condition. Our default is to make ourselves the center of the universe, and to make God into our own image. The crowd wanted to put Jesus in a box that would work best for them and He refused to be what they wanted. He would, however, be who they needed Him to be. How often do I want Jesus to behave the way I want Him to? If am honest, I have to say most all of the time.

• I CANNOT do it. When Jesus asked disciples, “How are we going to feed all these people?” He was looking for one response. We can’t. God calls me to do something and one of two things happen. One, I tell Him all the reason why that is impossible or two, I charge off in my own strength to fail miserably. God wants me to respond, “God I can’t do that but if that is what you want to happen then I am going to watch expectantly while You show up and do something that only You can do.” 

• I NEVER have to walk away from God empty handed. The crowd wanted something from Jesus but He would not give them what they asked for. Instead He offered them something better. He offered abundance that is only found in Him. Why do I find myself asking, “Why won’t You give me what I want?” when I should be asking, “God show me what you have for me. Give me Your abundance.” 

• EVERYTHING hinges on faith. Jesus tells the crowd, “Your work is to believe.” This is not belief that is a head knowledge of agreement. This is belief that grows into faith that knows God is real, and faith like this changes the way you behave and think. This kind of faith wars against the doubt that creeps into your heart in moments of adversity and this faith clings to the reality that God’s kingdom though unseen is more real than the decaying world we live in. 

These truths are rockin’ my world. They are simple truths but if lived out they have the power to change everything.  

The Messy Reality

Well, it’s been a year, a hard year, a striping year, an exhausting year, bottom line…a defeating year. We left Thailand moved back to the states for a new ministry assignment at the home office in North Carolina and shortly after arriving EVERYTHING fell apart. So, we found ourselves in our home country but still far from home. Friends and family are in Texas and we are not. Finances changed dramatically, and our expenses far outweighed our income. And, God was closing the door on our ministry. We were broken. In every way, broken.

It is interesting to me how people react to adversity and struggle. Some people fall apart (and rightly so). Some people go into denial, as if pretending it isn’t happening will alter reality. I come from a long line of deniers. Some go into fix it mode. That’s me. I have seen my share of struggle and adversity. As the daughter of an alcoholic and a drug addict, crisis has always been the status quo. When the going got tough I would pull myself up by the boot straps and get busy handling it (can you tell I’m from Texas?).  

Through the years, people have been amazed at how seemingly unaffected I have been by trouble. My response to them has always been, “I’m fine. Life is a challenge for everyone.” And this was true until this time. It took me to June to admit, “I’m not fine.” I wasn’t anywhere near fine.

The thing that finally convinced me that I was on a very slippery slope was the anger I felt toward God. Now, I know that God is not afraid of my anger. It is a very human response to hardship to blame the Sovereign One who could keep us safe and protected. He and I have had many conversations over the years about my very strong emotions to what He has allowed in my life, but the anger I felt this time was different. In the past I have been able to vent my feeling and then rely on His provision. Rant at the circumstance and then trust in His goodness. This time I couldn’t. In my heart I had turned my back on God and every time He reached out His hand, I would defiantly avoid His touch. It was a dark place and I sat in it refusing the light.

Today, I am on a journey out of that place. I cannot say that I have fully allowed the light of God’s presence invade all the dark corners of my heart, but at least He and I are working on it. I hope to journal my journey and share it with you. I warn you it could get messy but if you want to tag along I will promise you that it will be very real.    

A Lesson in Diversity

It Doesn't Matter Where We are From, America, Korea, Pakistan, Canada and We ALL Love Jesus!

When I started attending a Evangelical Free Church after years of serving in the Southern Baptist Denomination I thought I was living on the edge of diversity. After all staying home on Sunday and Wednesday evening felt almost like sacrilege. I quickly got used to one trip to church a week and my husband finally felt redemption after missing The Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday night TV all those years as a child. We still love our Southern Baptist roots and honestly have chosen keep their way of thinking on certain topics but have also enjoyed getting to know people who love Jesus just as much as we do who do not think the same. I guess you could say that move 16 years ago was the first time I saw how culture effects the Christian church. Now, living overseas, I can honestly say that bit of diversity was just the tip of the iceberg!

In January I began a Bible study in my home. I reached out to a handful of my oh so much like me Western friends and then gave them the freedom to invite others as well. What I ended up with really took me by surprise. Our group is a melting pot of countries and culture with one common denominator, we all love Jesus. I am adorn all of my new friends and feel honored and privileged that they come to my home. 

This week’s study was full of deep and interesting conversations. One topic of debate was baptism. For the first time I had to think about this ordinance of the church from a different perspective. For me I have always felt baptism was important but really pretty normal. When my children were baptized no one thought any thing other than, isn’t that nice. In Jesus’s day baptism identified you with that controversial Jesus guy that was crucified as a criminal. My friend from Pakistan can understand this fact a little bit better than I can because being a Christian is something that makes you a trouble maker in the midst of their culture. After all, they are in Thailand because their home was burned to the ground for just that reason. 

We all look at the world and scriptures from a different point of reference. That reference is influenced by your countries’ culture whether it be Korean, Pakistani, Thai, or American, and it is influenced by your church’s culture like denominations. Jesus’ church is extremely diverse yet over and over we are challenged to be one with each other. This is where things get difficult.

It has been very fitting that we have been studying Philippians and Colossians. Over and over again Paul is reminding the two churches don’t get away from the most important thing, Jesus. So often, I forget this and get caught up in how other people are doing life and church. If they don’t think and do like me then they must be doing it all wrong. Honestly, I was extremely convicted with Paul’s attitude toward others who were preaching the gospel with wrong motives. He basically said, “So what? Don’t worry about how they are preaching. If they are preaching Jesus, let them preach!”

I am grateful that God is stretching my narrow mindedness even though it is painful at times. I do want to be one with all my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to quit judging and start seeking God’s heart. I want to encourage my fellow believers to seek Him, too. I want to get back to the basics of loving God and loving others. 

God's Heart for Children

My first writing project here in Thailand is to create a training for our foundations Child Protection Policy. As I have done research on the Biblical foundation for child protection these words came to mind.

A simple question was asked, but the answer the disciples received was not what they were expecting. “Who is the greatest in the Kingdom?” They looked to Jesus wit hopeful expressions waiting for Him to point them out as His best and most worthy disciple. Jesus, however, did not look to them but instead He called a child to come and stand before them. Jesus’ reply, “To be great…you must be like this child.” 

A child loves for no reason. A child trust without cause, and faith is not something they must learn because it naturally flows from within. This innocence is who they are before the world has had a chance to sully them. He gives a harsh warning for anyone who does anything to steal this gift from a child. Cause a child to hate, to fear, to doubt and you are better off dead. Jesus charges us to do whatever we can to come against the sin in this world that corrupts the innocence even if it leaves us broken and wounded.

What we do for a child we do for God Himself. They are his proxy in this world. Love a child, you love Him. Bless a child, you bless Him. Protect a child, you have allied yourself with the God of the Universe. 

Jesus warns us to not look down on a child and to not forget them. Whatever we are doing, the safety and welfare of a child takes precedence. Jesus says leave the 99 to find and save the one. Leave the important things that we are working on, and save the little one, help a child. If children should be our greatest priority why is it we so often see them as a something that gets in the way of ministry? Do we, like the disciples, push them aside and tell them to be quiet in our ministries and in our homes?  Or do we simply forget to think about them at all?

To Jesus, children are not an after thought but very important to our work in the Kingdom. God’s plan for this world is not about an individual or a moment in time, but instead, His plan is about generations and eternity. Both God’s discipline and loving kindness carry to the generations that follow so we should not forget that all that we do impacts them.   

(thoughts from Matthew 18: 1-14, Mark 10:13-16, Exodus 10:5-6 )

Tone Deaf

Me in Thai Class

It is no secret that I am NOT a singer, and in the past I have been accused of being tone deaf. This label has never really bothered me but my recent endeavor to learn the Thai language has left me wishing I were a bit more musical.

Just as music relies upon tones, the Thai language is tonal. This means that the meanings of words are often tied to the tone you use when saying them. For example:

Khaw means rice when said with a falling tone.

Khaw means him or her when said with a middle tone.

Khaw means white when said with a rising tone.

Confused yet?? You.Have.No.Idea. My time with my Thai teacher goes something like this:

Teacher: Khaw (with a falling tone)

Me: Khaw (With what I think is a falling tone)

Teacher: Khaw (With the exact same tone as I just said)

Me: Khaw (once again, I repeat exactly what she has just said)

Teacher: Khaw (with a very deliberate falling tone)

Me: Khaw (For the third time, I repeat a word that sounds exactly like what the teacher has said but now I say it really slow and loud because that’s what you do in the south when you are trying to make someone understand what you are saying)

Teacher: (Finally giving up) Okay, you just need to keep practicing

The problem is…I can’t hear the difference! Obviously, what my teacher is hearing is NOT what I am hearing.  I really am tone deaf! Yes, I get frustrated but I will not give up! 

The one thing I know I need to do is practice, so I have committed to use Thai as much as I can. This has caused me a bit of trouble. Like one day when our landlord brought over two workers to harvest the bananas that are growing in our yard. My Southern hospitality kicked in and I wanted to offer them something to drink. I walked out on to our carport and said to one of the workers, “Hang Nam?” He stopped in his tracks and looked at me a bit confused. I thought he must not have heard me so I repeated, “Hang Nam?” The look he gave me in return went beyond confusion to awkwardly uncomfortable. That look triggered the realization that all though I thought I was saying, “Thirsty?” I was really saying, “Bathroom?”  Yes, I wish I could blame it on tone, but I was saying the wrong word entirely. I can’t image what the poor guy thought, “Who is this crazy white lady who is encouraging me to go to the bathroom??” 

My attempts to use Thai leave many scratching their heads. Even when I say the correct word it is often accompanied by the hand signals we use in class to help us remember. There I was standing at a counter trying to explain that I couldn’t find the card the sales person was asking for. I was saying, “Mi haa.” Which means, “I can’t find.” I kept repeating the right words but all the while I am using my hands as if I am digging in the dirt. Again, the salesperson is looking at me as if I have lost my mind! Maybe, I have!

I will keep trying and I am sure I will have many more stories of embarrassing encounters. I will continue to be the strange white lady who says inappropriate things and acts like a crazy person, but one day by the grace of God I will be able to communicate. Until then I will be careful not to call my repairman (chang) an elephant (chang), and maybe, just maybe, I will be able to offer someone a drink without having a potty mouth!

Return to Sender

Only in Texas

We are back in Chiang Mai and Elvis is in my head. Before you panic and think that culture shock has finally sent me over the edge there is a very good reason why Elvis has taken up residence. We have one English radio station and their idea of what Westerners listen to is a little off. Happy Radio (now when you say this you have to draw out the endings in your best foreign accent “Happyyyy Radioooo”) plays English songs for a good portion of the day but rarely are the songs from this century. Thais must think that Bob Denver, Karen Carpenter and Elvis are currently in the top 40. I will say the Elvis theme is a bit unusual. We haven’t quite figured this out. Now I enjoy Elvis, however, this is ALL they play. I never knew, nor did I want to know how many songs Elvis recorded. 

A couple of days ago I woke in the night with “Return to Sender” playing in my head. As I laid there hoping, praying the concert would end and I could go back to sleep I began thinking how strange it was. Strange, not that our radio station is from a time long forgotten, but strange that it all felt so normal. Just one short year ago I was experiencing life here for the first time and let me tell you NOTHING WAS NORMAL. I can remember walking in the grocery store staring at the isles (yes, I mean multiple) of rice and fish sauce wondering how in the world I was going to feed three teenage boys. We ate out at any and every western restaurant we could find for weeks. This time, as soon as we landed I walked in the grocery store, filled my basket with things my children would consume, came home, and cooked dinner. What a difference a year makes.

We have become comfortable here, and Thailand is now our home. This is a good thing. This is a goal for every missionary, but for me it has come with a very uncomfortable realization, I adapted too well to my surroundings. Because of this, I have adapted to and completely receive this world in which I live when scripture clearly teaches it is NOT MY HOME. In those first days here in Thailand everything was foreign and uncomfortable and we longed for our real home. Do I long for my heavenly home? Most days…no. Rarely do I find this world uncomfortable and when I do…I conclude something is REALLY wrong and set about to fix it at all cost.  

Maybe being uncomfortable is a good thing? Maybe, just maybe, fitting in should not be our goal? Maybe that night God gave me the song “Return to Sender” as an invitation. He wants me to return to Him. He wants us all to come to Him because of a deep longing within our souls, a need to be home in Him.