Well, it’s been a year, a hard year, a striping year, an
exhausting year, bottom line…a defeating year. We left Thailand moved back to
the states for a new ministry assignment at the home office in North Carolina
and shortly after arriving EVERYTHING fell apart. So, we found ourselves in our
home country but still far from home. Friends and family are in Texas and we
are not. Finances changed dramatically, and our expenses far outweighed our
income. And, God was closing the door on our ministry. We were broken. In every
way, broken.
It is interesting to me how people react to adversity and
struggle. Some people fall apart (and rightly so). Some people go into denial,
as if pretending it isn’t happening will alter reality. I come from a long line
of deniers. Some go into fix it mode. That’s me. I have seen my share of
struggle and adversity. As the daughter of an alcoholic and a drug addict,
crisis has always been the status quo. When the going got tough I would pull
myself up by the boot straps and get busy handling it (can you tell I’m from
Texas?).
Through the years, people have been amazed at how seemingly unaffected
I have been by trouble. My response to them has always been, “I’m fine. Life is
a challenge for everyone.” And this was true until this time. It took me to
June to admit, “I’m not fine.” I wasn’t anywhere near fine.
The thing that finally convinced me that I was on a very
slippery slope was the anger I felt toward God. Now, I know that God is not
afraid of my anger. It is a very human response to hardship to blame the
Sovereign One who could keep us safe and protected. He and I have had many
conversations over the years about my very strong emotions to what He has
allowed in my life, but the anger I felt this time was different. In the past I
have been able to vent my feeling and then rely on His provision. Rant at the
circumstance and then trust in His goodness. This time I couldn’t. In my heart
I had turned my back on God and every time He reached out His hand, I would
defiantly avoid His touch. It was a dark place and I sat in it refusing the
light.
Today, I am on a journey out of that place. I cannot say
that I have fully allowed the light of God’s presence invade all the dark
corners of my heart, but at least He and I are working on it. I hope to journal
my journey and share it with you. I warn you it could get messy but if you want
to tag along I will promise you that it will be very real.
