Not Abandoned

If you were ever going to abandon me you would have done then, the midnight hour in the Garden of Gethsemane where you agonized over what lie ahead. You saw the moment when the deplorable acts of your rebellious creation would be credited to You and You would feel the shame of unrighteousness before a Holy God. My sin was there lying heavy upon your back, but You thought of me and You pressed on.

If you were ever going to abandon me You would have done it then, when they beat you & put a crown of thorns upon Your head. They mocked you, laughing at the inconceivable thought that You could be the King of the Jews. How small and foolish their thinking was to limit the King of the Universe to an earthly reign. Just as they refused Your Lordship you knew I would too in the moments when I would seek my own glory instead of dying to self. Even in that moment when you saw my dissention, Your mercy extended and You endured.

If you were ever going to abandon me You would have done it then, when You hung upon the cross as the cruel and evil crowd taunted You to save yourself. Little did they know, You could have called a legion of angles to come and deliver you, but instead, you stayed the heavenly host and forbade them to interfere. The crowd could not understand that the greatest power of the Almighty God is Your power to love a destitute sinner like me. A sinner that would too often tremble with fear and agonize with worry forgetting that the Omnipotent One is for me and not against me. You saw me, and You stayed. 

I sent you to the cross and you willingly went. You endured it all knowing that I was not worth it. No, you did not leave me then so I know you will not leave me now. The proof that You will not abandon me is evident in the cross.

Lessons From the Crowd

This week in Bible study we have been looking at John 6. Jesus feeds the 5000, walks on water, and speaks some very hard yet glorious truth. The crowd was amazed and then disappointed when Jesus didn’t preform according to their plan. Here are a few truths I learned:

• I AM the crowd. I don’t like to admit it, but I am. It is very easy for me to look at the disciples or the crowd of 5000 and think, “Why can’t they just get it?” My prideful self forgets to recognize that they show the reality of the human condition. Our default is to make ourselves the center of the universe, and to make God into our own image. The crowd wanted to put Jesus in a box that would work best for them and He refused to be what they wanted. He would, however, be who they needed Him to be. How often do I want Jesus to behave the way I want Him to? If am honest, I have to say most all of the time.

• I CANNOT do it. When Jesus asked disciples, “How are we going to feed all these people?” He was looking for one response. We can’t. God calls me to do something and one of two things happen. One, I tell Him all the reason why that is impossible or two, I charge off in my own strength to fail miserably. God wants me to respond, “God I can’t do that but if that is what you want to happen then I am going to watch expectantly while You show up and do something that only You can do.” 

• I NEVER have to walk away from God empty handed. The crowd wanted something from Jesus but He would not give them what they asked for. Instead He offered them something better. He offered abundance that is only found in Him. Why do I find myself asking, “Why won’t You give me what I want?” when I should be asking, “God show me what you have for me. Give me Your abundance.” 

• EVERYTHING hinges on faith. Jesus tells the crowd, “Your work is to believe.” This is not belief that is a head knowledge of agreement. This is belief that grows into faith that knows God is real, and faith like this changes the way you behave and think. This kind of faith wars against the doubt that creeps into your heart in moments of adversity and this faith clings to the reality that God’s kingdom though unseen is more real than the decaying world we live in. 

These truths are rockin’ my world. They are simple truths but if lived out they have the power to change everything.  

The Messy Reality

Well, it’s been a year, a hard year, a striping year, an exhausting year, bottom line…a defeating year. We left Thailand moved back to the states for a new ministry assignment at the home office in North Carolina and shortly after arriving EVERYTHING fell apart. So, we found ourselves in our home country but still far from home. Friends and family are in Texas and we are not. Finances changed dramatically, and our expenses far outweighed our income. And, God was closing the door on our ministry. We were broken. In every way, broken.

It is interesting to me how people react to adversity and struggle. Some people fall apart (and rightly so). Some people go into denial, as if pretending it isn’t happening will alter reality. I come from a long line of deniers. Some go into fix it mode. That’s me. I have seen my share of struggle and adversity. As the daughter of an alcoholic and a drug addict, crisis has always been the status quo. When the going got tough I would pull myself up by the boot straps and get busy handling it (can you tell I’m from Texas?).  

Through the years, people have been amazed at how seemingly unaffected I have been by trouble. My response to them has always been, “I’m fine. Life is a challenge for everyone.” And this was true until this time. It took me to June to admit, “I’m not fine.” I wasn’t anywhere near fine.

The thing that finally convinced me that I was on a very slippery slope was the anger I felt toward God. Now, I know that God is not afraid of my anger. It is a very human response to hardship to blame the Sovereign One who could keep us safe and protected. He and I have had many conversations over the years about my very strong emotions to what He has allowed in my life, but the anger I felt this time was different. In the past I have been able to vent my feeling and then rely on His provision. Rant at the circumstance and then trust in His goodness. This time I couldn’t. In my heart I had turned my back on God and every time He reached out His hand, I would defiantly avoid His touch. It was a dark place and I sat in it refusing the light.

Today, I am on a journey out of that place. I cannot say that I have fully allowed the light of God’s presence invade all the dark corners of my heart, but at least He and I are working on it. I hope to journal my journey and share it with you. I warn you it could get messy but if you want to tag along I will promise you that it will be very real.