I'm Not Ready

I am asking my children to be mature beyond their years. Being on board, even excited about moving to foreign country is a hard concept for an adult let alone a teenage boy. Of all my kids Shelby has the most to lose in this process. He is a junior in high school. He has a good group of friends and is highly involved with his swim team. This move will cost him his senior year with those he has grown to love over the past three years. For him my heart breaks.

Because I have the gift of years on him, I can see what an amazing opportunity this is. I know that these experiences with give him a perspective of God and this world He created that he can’t get by staying put. I also see something that God has planted deep inside Shelby’s heart (a seed of service and compassion) that this experience will nurture. I believe that this journey has the potential to revolutionize his entire world. I can see this, but it is hard for a teen-age boy.

Shelby has struggled. For a long time he was unwilling to share with his swim team that he would be moving. He worried that he will be letting them down. Because of this, it was especially hard for him when he shared with his swim coach what was going on. The day he did, it caught me by surprise.

When I picked Shelby up from swim practice, he informed me that he didn’t have to move to Thailand after all. The coach had said that he would find a place for him to live so that he could finish his senior year with his team and his friends. Needless to say this comment hit me like ton of bricks. I was furious. I was confused. I was heartbroken. How could he even consider this as an option? I asked him if he really felt he was ready to live apart from us, from me? He answered with a tentative, “Yes, I could.”  My emotions caught me by surprise and I responded, “Shelby, I’m not ready to be away from you.”

In that moment I was transported back to a time with a little boy in my back seat who cried all the way to kindergarten. He cried and I consoled. I promised him it would be okay and then pried him from my arms and left him with his teacher. Day after day we repeated the same heart wrenching scene until one day I couldn’t stand it anymore. As Shelby cried and begged me not to make him go, I lost it. I broke down and cried myself. Through tears I told him that I was sorry that I had to make him but he had to go. It was the best thing for him. When I finished my true confession, I looked back to see a little boy surprised that his momma felt his pain. That was the last day he cried about going to school.

Since I told Shelby that I wasn’t ready to let him go, he hasn’t talked anymore of staying behind. I know he is still struggling with the sacrifice that he will have to make, but I hope he sees that just like when he was struggling with going to kindergarten his momma does feel his pain.