Missionary, Really?

The view from my house.

Missionary is a loaded term. Now that I carry that title it seems heavier than it ever has been before. Missionaries are supposed to be super Christians who share the gospel with everyone they meet. They never feel self conscious. They never struggle with what to say. They never shy away from meeting people. They are always willing to sacrifice everything in Jesus’ name and they never ever think of themselves. This is what I think when I think about missionaries. This is who I think they are supposed to be, and I can say with complete confidence that this is most definitely NOT ME.

The past few months I have been afraid to let others in on this little secret. I don’t feel like a missionary. I am introverted by nature. I am self-conscious and I struggle sharing my faith with others. 

I did step out of my comfort zone and meet my neighbors across the street. They are a young Thai couple with a 8 year old boy. Their names are Aiy, Tock, and Cume. They only know a little bit of English and as I have said before I can say hello and thank you and that is about it. So as you can see, trying to have a conversation is out of the question. If I happen to see them outside I cringe. I am so self conscious about what I will say and how I will communicate that I have to fight off the urge to hide. I am not the only one in the family who feels this way either. Jon and I were out front playing frisbee. Cume, the eight year-old boys was watching us through the glass door. I encouraged Jon to ring the bell and invite him out. That idea completely stressed him out. I guess he is like his mother.

Learning the language will make a huge difference and I am committed to working on that, however, we have been encouraged to wait until after Christmas to begin lessons. This has proven to be wise counsel being that I have been overwhelmed with a new job and normal living ever since we have arrived. Knowing some Thai will help, but I know that being able to communicate won’t fix everything. 

All of these thoughts have been plaguing me. In the midst of my turmoil, a friend sent me these words by Oswald Chambers:

“…the challenge (for missionaries) comes from the perspective of the missionary’s own personal relationship with Jesus Christ— “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” (Matthew 9:28). Our Lord unwaveringly asks us that question, and it confronts us in every individual situation we encounter. The one great challenge to us is— do I know my risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God’s sight, but foolish enough according to the wisdom of the world, to trust in what Jesus Christ has said? Or am I abandoning the great supernatural position of limitless confidence in Christ Jesus, which is really God’s only call for a missionary? If I follow any other method, I depart altogether from the methods prescribed by our Lord— “All authority has been given to Me . . . . Gotherefore. . .” (Matthew 28:18-19).” 

My focus has been on my inadequacies, instead of the truth that God will work His will through me. If I abide in Him, he will do the rest. After all, its not my job, it is His.

Last night we invited Cume and his parents to come out in the street to watch the boys shoot off some fireworks. No tracks came out, the Bible was not quoted, but a relationship is beginning. For the first time in a while I am not looking for a place to hide, but I am eager to see what God will do.